Category Archives: Medication

Vaccinations. OMG, seriously?

It all started with me wanting to know the lyrics to Pop! Goes the Weasel to go along with our Jack-in-the-Box that Rachel got for Christmas.

All around the mulberry bush
The monkey chased the weasel;
The monkey thought ’twas all in good fun,
Pop! goes the weasel.

Like many rhymes and songs that we tell and sing to our children, there’s dark connotations attached (see Ring Around the Rosie). But let’s be honest, we don’t expect to have them be true again.

Jimmy’s got the whooping cough
And Timmy’s got the measles
That’s the way the story goes
Pop! goes the weasel.

This article infuriated me. As I posted to Facebook about it, science doesn’t give two shits about your feelings. I don’t care at all if you feel that you shouldn’t put “toxins” in your child. Especially since you’re not doing that if you vaccinate.

Before Rachel, I simply thought these people were idiots. Now, I still feel that way, but I’m angry that they’re getting away with it because my daughter is too young to have the MMR yet and could potentially catch the measles from one of these people’s children. There are currently at least 84 people in 14 states that have the measles that SHOULD NOT HAVE IT. This is the United States. We do not live in a third world country. This disease, like several others, should not be an issue. This is 2015, for God’s sake. I shouldn’t have had to double check that my six month old was getting all of her polio vaccinations in 2015. This is wrong.

There is a chicken pox vaccination. I had the chicken pox in the third grade. I have scars from the chicken pox still and I had it about 30 years ago. My husband had it about 33 years ago. He had to stay at a friend’s house while he had it because his baby brother had just been born. I have fairly detailed memories as to how the chicken pox felt. And there’s a vaccine for that now! That’s amazing! That’s scientific progress in our own generation!

And yet…

Our parents are of an age to remember polio. At one time, it was feared my mother had polio, she didn’t, but the scare was there. The problem is that the people making the decision not to vaccinate their children do not fear.

I suppose with only 84 cases so far in 2015, that doesn’t constitute enough for fear to be a reasonable response. But wait until it looks like this:

Year : Cases of Paralytic Polio
1933 : 5000
1943 : 12,000
1946 : 25,000
1948 : 27,000
1950 : 33,000
1952 : 59,000


Go ahead, continue not vaccinating. I have my hypothesis about what’ll happen.


Quick book recommendation for those interested: Heavy Words Lightly Thrown: The Reason Behind the Rhyme


This weekend, my anxiety is overwhelming me. I feel hot, my heart is beating too hard, my bad thoughts won’t stop, my regret and guilt over tiny things is excessive.

I am so tired.

All I want to do is cuddle with my cat, who is sick and needs special food and monitoring and so on. I am terribly worried about her; what will I do when I lose her? It’s breaking my heart.

My back has been bothering me again, with some burning and tingling in my left leg sometimes.

All of this is just overwhelming me right now. I feel like I’m crying every night (which I might be) and I haven’t slept well in weeks. The littlest thing is tipping me over the edge. And I wish it would stop.

But there’s no clearly marked exit here… And even if I could find it, I think it’s locked.

it’s been 2 weeks

this has been the hardest two weeks of my life.

tonight, i sit here, and i still get that cold pressing feeling in my chest that radiates out into my arms and stomach, gripping panic attack feelings.

i’ve been writing letters to my mom in a paper journal. quaint, i know, but i can’t type it, i have to write it.

i’m lost right now. i can’t read, i can’t write, i can’t listen to music. i can watch tv and listen to talking radio and brainless pop music.

i’m so tired. and i hurt. and i can’t distract myself all of the time, but you know what…

very few people have written articles online about dealing with grief while ALSO dealing with clinical depression. in fact, this is the only one i’ve found. (if you known of any others, please share!) everything has to do with how similar the two things are. I HAVE BOTH, WHERE IS MY HELP? strangely, i’m doing OK on my meds, as long as i take my anxiety meds before work and before bed like i’m supposed to…

i feel so random, but i need to vent without crying for a minute. thanks for hanging in there with me.

Another week in review… is this getting lame?

Visited Mom at rehab. The amount of progress she’s made this week is amazing. It was so nice to see her sitting in the chair in real clothes! She will probably be going home mid-week this week.

Took a sick day this last week, I need to start feeling better soon. I will probably have to speak with my doctor again about my meds since I’m still not functioning as well as I was before. Though I did find a vitamin that suits my needs that does not contain iron. I’m convinced that iron is evil, since it makes me feel like crap when I take it.

I had Chinese food from my favorite place this weekend (Happy China). That makes me happy. I had General Tso’s chicken and crab rangoon. Yumm.

I also purchased a discounted Acer laptop to serve as an interim computer until I can be happy with a new HP purchase. Also, it will give me some time to perhaps get over my Intel related prejudices.

In closing, here’s a link to a horrible person’s email. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say: who the hell needs friends like that? What a bitch.

Repost: my surgery story, part 1

This was originally posted on my old blog, but this one I wrote in Word before I posted, so I still have it. It’s mostly complete. This is now part one, as it ends shortly after the surgery and doesn’t include most of my recovery.

My microdiscectomy took place on December 14, 2011. That’s the date which this whole thing centers around, so when it says “June” it’s June 2011 and so on…
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Still working out the Lexapro thing…

Well, I googled “what did I do wrong today?” and there wasn’t really an answer. So either Google has failed me, or I didn’t do anything that wrong and my brain is just toying with me. That jerk.

Lexapro Withdrawal

I’ve been on Lexapro since shortly after my childhood best friend got married. That was the breaking point for me, the realization that the Paxil just wasn’t doing what it needed to be doing. That was in 2003. We switched me over to Lexapro. Paxil withdrawal was hell. It nearly killed me, and that’s no metaphor. There was a night where, (yes, as a 27 year old) I was sitting at the family kitchen table with a bottle of Tylenol, wanting to take them all, but knowing how miserable a death it would be, so I crawled in bed with my mommy and cried. Those days are better learned from and then forgotten.

On to now… (this gets a little long)
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Lexapro Update

There is a feeling, one that you know if you’ve had and one that you would never miss if you never had it. I’m feeling it now and it’s been a long long time since I’ve dealt with it. That feeling where something is coming and you don’t know what it’s about, but you are one hundred percent sure that it’s because of something you did, even though you absolutely know it’s not.

It sits coiled in my belly, gnawing and eating. It waits, simply enjoying the feelings it’s generating in me. It knows that sleep will not come easily tonight because of it. And it delights in the fact that only time will relieve it’s power over me.

I knew it would be hard, getting off this drug. I knew I would have to deal with feelings that I’ve not had for a while. But really, it’s made all the worse by my knowing, by my being sure, that these feelings aren’t real, that they are because of something wrong with me. But how do I conquer them, without my pills? There has to be a way. What is it?

To be honest, it feels like spiritual oppression. Prayer does alleviate it, but only for a little while, when the cycle must start over. And it’s hard to deal with, having to constantly rely on God, but in the end, isn’t that exactly what we’re supposed to do?

Current dosage: 5mg
Last dosage change: 7 days ago

Listening: Transformers Prime
Mood: Struggling