Category Archives: Health

Today was a hard one. I kept thinking about Mom on and off all day. All because of a stupid crossword puzzle. I don’t remember the clue, but the answer was LOVE.

Part of the difficulty lies in that I had nothing left unsaid to her, all I would say to her now is stuff since then. How could I have been so lucky that our last words to each other were “I love you”? I have nothing to regret but that she’s gone.

This link was posted today to reddit and I wanted to save it, but not in my bookmarks because then I’ll see it all the time. 64 Things About Grief

My first birthday without Mom was a couple weeks ago. I came away with this thought: birth is that first step of moving away from your mother and death is the last.

I miss you, Mom, so very much.

I want to write rage filled posts. I want to force people to shut up. I want to just be left alone. And yet, no.

I’m tired. I’m still sad. I’m still mourning. I’m trying to move on and live.

The last few days, I’ve just wanted to cry. I’ve been crying, but it’s not enough. I miss my mom so much.

This week was my the forty seventh anniversary of my parents’ marriage. I have a couple of their wedding pictures in my bedroom, on the photo board. I love the way they look at each other. You can see how much they love each other. And my heart is broken because that’s gone.

For a while, I was doing ok. I was a little in awe of how we can get used to not having someone in our lives so suddenly. And then a week later, you can feel that hurt so acutely… it’s almost new. I can still feel that scream ripping out of my throat that morning, the waves of panic washing over me.

I still want to wake up and have all this be a nightmare. But I know I won’t.

We’ve passed the three month mark since Mom’s death. The most random things hit me now. I found a bit of money stashed in my office while cleaning, and it reminded me of Mom. I cried. I’m at the point now where I don’t really want to talk about things, I just miss her and I’m sad.

I’m conflicted about one thing that I’ve been feeling lately though. I feel like I loved my mother more than anyone else in my life. I love my husband and couldn’t exist without him. I love and adore my father. But my mother was such an integral part of my life: who I was, who I am, who I will be. She knew me before I was born! That is something that I will never experience with any one else. Even with my own potential children, it won’t be the same for me, since I will be the one with the knowing instead.

I’m still working on my “depression and grief” post, I haven’t forgotten about it. How could I?

I had dinner with Dad tonight, we cooked steaks on the George Foreman grill and had homemade french fries. Dad was worried that he cut up too many potatoes. HAHAHAHA! I had no problem taking care of that! We moved my L-shaped desk back over to Dad’s house and tomorrow we’re moving my old desk over to my house. When we moved into Mom and Dad’s house ’round abouts 2001, I got the new desk (said L-shaped one) and gave my old one to Mom. It all comes back around and I’m going to be all nostalgia-y everytime I sit there. 🙂

And if Punxsutawney Phil is to be trusted, we’ll have an early spring this year!
So, as far as days go, it was pretty good. Mom would have enjoyed it.

Merry Christmas everyone.

All I really have to say about the season this year is that I’m glad it’s over.

OK, so it’s Christmas time. I’ve been trying to ignore it for the most part. I put up my tree, and I did my cards. I’ve gone to church to observe advent every Sunday. We saw the Christmas Pageant at church today. I’ve baked cookies. But it’s not Christmas.

I don’t want to do this any more. Even last night, I asked my husband if this was a mistake and Mom really was gone. I’m so stressed out from work that I’m starting to shut down. I so desperately want to just stay home and stay in bed. But I know that’s part of my depression speaking. I’m taking my Zoloft and Buspar as directed. But I’m barely hanging on.

I’m so tired. I’m really good at faking it, and I have been for a long time. But there’s cracks showing in my facade and they’re getting bigger. I’m tired of the expectations of me exceeding my appointment. I just want to be Jenny, but there’s so much in the way of me being her again. I don’t know how long I can keep doing this.