Category Archives: Health


Today was a hard one. I kept thinking about Mom on and off all day. All because of a stupid crossword puzzle. I don’t remember the clue, but the answer was LOVE.

Part of the difficulty lies in that I had nothing left unsaid to her, all I would say to her now is stuff since then. How could I have been so lucky that our last words to each other were “I love you”? I have nothing to regret but that she’s gone.

This link was posted today to reddit and I wanted to save it, but not in my bookmarks because then I’ll see it all the time. 64 Things About Grief

My first birthday without Mom was a couple weeks ago. I came away with this thought: birth is that first step of moving away from your mother and death is the last.

I miss you, Mom, so very much.


This weekend, my anxiety is overwhelming me. I feel hot, my heart is beating too hard, my bad thoughts won’t stop, my regret and guilt over tiny things is excessive.

I am so tired.

All I want to do is cuddle with my cat, who is sick and needs special food and monitoring and so on. I am terribly worried about her; what will I do when I lose her? It’s breaking my heart.

My back has been bothering me again, with some burning and tingling in my left leg sometimes.

All of this is just overwhelming me right now. I feel like I’m crying every night (which I might be) and I haven’t slept well in weeks. The littlest thing is tipping me over the edge. And I wish it would stop.

But there’s no clearly marked exit here… And even if I could find it, I think it’s locked.

Still chugging along. I think I can, I think I can…

I want to write rage filled posts. I want to force people to shut up. I want to just be left alone. And yet, no.

I’m tired. I’m still sad. I’m still mourning. I’m trying to move on and live.

The last few days, I’ve just wanted to cry. I’ve been crying, but it’s not enough. I miss my mom so much.

This week was my the forty seventh anniversary of my parents’ marriage. I have a couple of their wedding pictures in my bedroom, on the photo board. I love the way they look at each other. You can see how much they love each other. And my heart is broken because that’s gone.

For a while, I was doing ok. I was a little in awe of how we can get used to not having someone in our lives so suddenly. And then a week later, you can feel that hurt so acutely… it’s almost new. I can still feel that scream ripping out of my throat that morning, the waves of panic washing over me.

I still want to wake up and have all this be a nightmare. But I know I won’t.

Mother’s Day 2013

So this week has been kind of rough. Last Sunday, May 5th, was Mom’s 73rd birthday. Today was hard, being Mother’s Day and all. I have made it through just over six months without her. I still have the same hard questions that I couldn’t answer before when I was able to speak with her. I still don’t have answers. I still have the same fears and horrible thoughts. I still cry. A lot.

I really just wanted to skip the day today. But I had volunteered to read at church (what was I thinking), and so I went. Listening to the sermon was hard, mostly because it wasn’t what I wanted to be hearing because I am still hurting so much from missing her. But it made me think of all the things I can never ask her now. Things like, what did she think the moment she saw me for the first time. Any answer my dad gives me about it will be his memory, not hers. How can I approach motherhood in any way without her guidance? How can I approach my 40s and 50s (where she lost her own mother) without having any more time with her? How can I move past the fact that I am now the age she was when I was born; is my own best life expectancy only 36 more years?

I was just looking at the framed photo I have on my bookcase of my parents. How has it been so long since we spoke? I miss her so much, and today was really much worse than I could have anticipated. How am I even doing this? How am I going on? I’m afraid to even think about it.

Brand New Day

I love Fireflight, especially their Unbreakable album. But tonight, listening to Brand New Day (song above), my heart broke anew. Because of Mom.

And I can hear You say
It’s a brand new day
The pain goes away
I’m headed for the door
And I’m going home

She’s home. And I’m missing her. And I’m feeling disconnected from the world, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But, the pain’s not going away, even though it is a brand new day.

There are still things that make me think that things will never be good again, that I can never do anything new again, because I can’t share it with her. But for the most part, things are OK and that scares me.

Pain is an old friend. And while my grief and grieving is new, these feelings are not. Depression felt a lot like this and these echoes are familiar. I’m not familiar with the other end of the spectrum and so I feel guilty when the sadness is not there.

Crying in the shower is not as counterproductive as it sounds.

As far as days go…

We’ve passed the three month mark since Mom’s death. The most random things hit me now. I found a bit of money stashed in my office while cleaning, and it reminded me of Mom. I cried. I’m at the point now where I don’t really want to talk about things, I just miss her and I’m sad.

I’m conflicted about one thing that I’ve been feeling lately though. I feel like I loved my mother more than anyone else in my life. I love my husband and couldn’t exist without him. I love and adore my father. But my mother was such an integral part of my life: who I was, who I am, who I will be. She knew me before I was born! That is something that I will never experience with any one else. Even with my own potential children, it won’t be the same for me, since I will be the one with the knowing instead.

I’m still working on my “depression and grief” post, I haven’t forgotten about it. How could I?

I had dinner with Dad tonight, we cooked steaks on the George Foreman grill and had homemade french fries. Dad was worried that he cut up too many potatoes. HAHAHAHA! I had no problem taking care of that! We moved my L-shaped desk back over to Dad’s house and tomorrow we’re moving my old desk over to my house. When we moved into Mom and Dad’s house ’round abouts 2001, I got the new desk (said L-shaped one) and gave my old one to Mom. It all comes back around and I’m going to be all nostalgia-y everytime I sit there. 🙂

And if Punxsutawney Phil is to be trusted, we’ll have an early spring this year!
So, as far as days go, it was pretty good. Mom would have enjoyed it.

Getting Back on Track

Though I’m still heavily entrenched in my grief, it’s time to at least attempt to get my life back on track. I can’t stay stopped here, even though I long to stay or even go back in time. That’s not possible, and there are other people that I have to think and care about. It is for them that I push on.

I wrote a poem for the first time in months last night. No one besides my husband may ever read it, but it matters that I’ve done it. I’ve broken through… something.

At any rate, time marches on.

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Merry Christmas Everyone

Merry Christmas everyone.

All I really have to say about the season this year is that I’m glad it’s over.

Top 5 Christmas Cat HD Wallpapers 2

Merry Christmas, sort of

OK, so it’s Christmas time. I’ve been trying to ignore it for the most part. I put up my tree, and I did my cards. I’ve gone to church to observe advent every Sunday. We saw the Christmas Pageant at church today. I’ve baked cookies. But it’s not Christmas.

I don’t want to do this any more. Even last night, I asked my husband if this was a mistake and Mom really was gone. I’m so stressed out from work that I’m starting to shut down. I so desperately want to just stay home and stay in bed. But I know that’s part of my depression speaking. I’m taking my Zoloft and Buspar as directed. But I’m barely hanging on.

I’m so tired. I’m really good at faking it, and I have been for a long time. But there’s cracks showing in my facade and they’re getting bigger. I’m tired of the expectations of me exceeding my appointment. I just want to be Jenny, but there’s so much in the way of me being her again. I don’t know how long I can keep doing this.

Remember, remember…

November is normally a very quick month for me. Ever since 2004, I’ve participated in NaNoWriMo. And I’ve completed it every year from 2004 through 2010. (Last year, I started, but due to the decision to have back surgery, I had to quit because I had a lot of things to get ready for my December surgery). This year, I had a vague idea but was going to give it a try anyway. I had some notes saved and some thoughts cooking.

And then my mother died.

I am adrift right now. I can’t write anything creative. I’m only forcing myself to write about my feelings because that’s the only way I can put together a coherent string of sentences and feelings.

Mom loved that I did NaNo. She constantly encouraged me and I was always happy to let her read my unedited work. Mom was so widely read that it delighted me to talk with her about my stories and how to make them better.

She was also very creative. I had asked her, about the time she came home from the nursing home rehabilitation, to teach me how to make patterns, because I had some ideas that needed to come out. I’m going to try it on my own anyway.

Either way you break it, though, this is been the longest November I’ve had in a very long time. And it’s only half over…