Monthly Archives: November 2012

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Welcome to the club…

It’s a club that no one wants to be a part of, but almost all of us end up in it. A motherless daughter. I know my mother hurt deeply at her own mother’s death, even when Grandma died in her 80s and Mom was 55. There is never a right time to let our mothers go. And yet, we all have to at some point.

Very few people talk about it. But when Mom died, I realized just how many of my friends had already gone through this. I was jealous of those friends who still had their mothers. I didn’t want to be, but I couldn’t help it. Now, I just want those friends who can to spend time and energy and love on their mothers, as much as they can, while they can.

Before they join the club.

Remember, remember…

November is normally a very quick month for me. Ever since 2004, I’ve participated in NaNoWriMo. And I’ve completed it every year from 2004 through 2010. (Last year, I started, but due to the decision to have back surgery, I had to quit because I had a lot of things to get ready for my December surgery). This year, I had a vague idea but was going to give it a try anyway. I had some notes saved and some thoughts cooking.

And then my mother died.

I am adrift right now. I can’t write anything creative. I’m only forcing myself to write about my feelings because that’s the only way I can put together a coherent string of sentences and feelings.

Mom loved that I did NaNo. She constantly encouraged me and I was always happy to let her read my unedited work. Mom was so widely read that it delighted me to talk with her about my stories and how to make them better.

She was also very creative. I had asked her, about the time she came home from the nursing home rehabilitation, to teach me how to make patterns, because I had some ideas that needed to come out. I’m going to try it on my own anyway.

Either way you break it, though, this is been the longest November I’ve had in a very long time. And it’s only half over…

it’s been 2 weeks

this has been the hardest two weeks of my life.

tonight, i sit here, and i still get that cold pressing feeling in my chest that radiates out into my arms and stomach, gripping panic attack feelings.

i’ve been writing letters to my mom in a paper journal. quaint, i know, but i can’t type it, i have to write it.

i’m lost right now. i can’t read, i can’t write, i can’t listen to music. i can watch tv and listen to talking radio and brainless pop music.

i’m so tired. and i hurt. and i can’t distract myself all of the time, but you know what…

very few people have written articles online about dealing with grief while ALSO dealing with clinical depression. in fact, this is the only one i’ve found. (if you known of any others, please share!) everything has to do with how similar the two things are. I HAVE BOTH, WHERE IS MY HELP? strangely, i’m doing OK on my meds, as long as i take my anxiety meds before work and before bed like i’m supposed to…

i feel so random, but i need to vent without crying for a minute. thanks for hanging in there with me.