Category Archives: Today I

Back in the saddle

So I am currently reading Furiously Happy by the Bloggess. In it, near the beginning (as I am trying to savor it), she writes about being unique. I’ve never desired to be unique per se, in fact, at times, I have endeavored to be the exact opposite, one of the guys, etc.

However, Jenny makes a good point, and I’m not just saying that because I’m a Jenny too. Be random, be the most random. And that fits me much better.

I want to blog more. I want to journal more. I want to write more. But with a one year old, it’s hard. With Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, it’s hard. With depression, it’s hard. With back pain, it’s hard. But I need to do it, so here I am. I’m trying. Want to come along with me? It won’t always be fun, but it’ll be one hell of a ride.

To start, I am going to finish Rachel’s birth story. I have most of it written already, it just needs some… finesse.

So, until next time… be random.

Vaccinations. OMG, seriously?

It all started with me wanting to know the lyrics to Pop! Goes the Weasel to go along with our Jack-in-the-Box that Rachel got for Christmas.

All around the mulberry bush
The monkey chased the weasel;
The monkey thought ’twas all in good fun,
Pop! goes the weasel.

Like many rhymes and songs that we tell and sing to our children, there’s dark connotations attached (see Ring Around the Rosie). But let’s be honest, we don’t expect to have them be true again.

Jimmy’s got the whooping cough
And Timmy’s got the measles
That’s the way the story goes
Pop! goes the weasel.

This article infuriated me. As I posted to Facebook about it, science doesn’t give two shits about your feelings. I don’t care at all if you feel that you shouldn’t put “toxins” in your child. Especially since you’re not doing that if you vaccinate.

Before Rachel, I simply thought these people were idiots. Now, I still feel that way, but I’m angry that they’re getting away with it because my daughter is too young to have the MMR yet and could potentially catch the measles from one of these people’s children. There are currently at least 84 people in 14 states that have the measles that SHOULD NOT HAVE IT. This is the United States. We do not live in a third world country. This disease, like several others, should not be an issue. This is 2015, for God’s sake. I shouldn’t have had to double check that my six month old was getting all of her polio vaccinations in 2015. This is wrong.

There is a chicken pox vaccination. I had the chicken pox in the third grade. I have scars from the chicken pox still and I had it about 30 years ago. My husband had it about 33 years ago. He had to stay at a friend’s house while he had it because his baby brother had just been born. I have fairly detailed memories as to how the chicken pox felt. And there’s a vaccine for that now! That’s amazing! That’s scientific progress in our own generation!

And yet…

Our parents are of an age to remember polio. At one time, it was feared my mother had polio, she didn’t, but the scare was there. The problem is that the people making the decision not to vaccinate their children do not fear.

I suppose with only 84 cases so far in 2015, that doesn’t constitute enough for fear to be a reasonable response. But wait until it looks like this:

Year : Cases of Paralytic Polio
1933 : 5000
1943 : 12,000
1946 : 25,000
1948 : 27,000
1950 : 33,000
1952 : 59,000

[source]

Go ahead, continue not vaccinating. I have my hypothesis about what’ll happen.

missingvaccinations

Quick book recommendation for those interested: Heavy Words Lightly Thrown: The Reason Behind the Rhyme

It’s not just Cinco de Mayo for me…

Mom,

Today is your birthday. I tried not to think about it today, but it was hard not to. I wish beyond wishing that you were here to celebrate. So many things have changed since you died and I should have been able to share them all with you. To have you smile your slightly crooked smile about your granddaughter and all the weirdness that pregnancy is bringing me. And laugh about how I’m not enjoying being pregnant at all. And hold her when she comes later this summer.

Part of it hurts because I’m doing this same thing to her that you did to me. And next week it will hurt more, being Mother’s Day. Sometimes I think I’m really insane for doing this to another human being knowing how much pain this will lead to down the road when I’m gone too.

I love you, Mom. And I miss you like crazy.

Grieving

Today was a hard one. I kept thinking about Mom on and off all day. All because of a stupid crossword puzzle. I don’t remember the clue, but the answer was LOVE.

Part of the difficulty lies in that I had nothing left unsaid to her, all I would say to her now is stuff since then. How could I have been so lucky that our last words to each other were “I love you”? I have nothing to regret but that she’s gone.

This link was posted today to reddit and I wanted to save it, but not in my bookmarks because then I’ll see it all the time. 64 Things About Grief

My first birthday without Mom was a couple weeks ago. I came away with this thought: birth is that first step of moving away from your mother and death is the last.

I miss you, Mom, so very much.

Where’d the time go?

Been busy, very busy, for a while, what with Gen Con and school starting.

Still trying to figure out if I’m doing NaNoWriMo this year.

Gen Con post and pics still forthcoming, if I ever get a few minutes to sit down and do it.

Watching season 5 of Angel, and enjoying it since it’s “new to me”.

For now….
Jenny

Still chugging along. I think I can, I think I can…

I want to write rage filled posts. I want to force people to shut up. I want to just be left alone. And yet, no.

I’m tired. I’m still sad. I’m still mourning. I’m trying to move on and live.

The last few days, I’ve just wanted to cry. I’ve been crying, but it’s not enough. I miss my mom so much.

This week was my the forty seventh anniversary of my parents’ marriage. I have a couple of their wedding pictures in my bedroom, on the photo board. I love the way they look at each other. You can see how much they love each other. And my heart is broken because that’s gone.

For a while, I was doing ok. I was a little in awe of how we can get used to not having someone in our lives so suddenly. And then a week later, you can feel that hurt so acutely… it’s almost new. I can still feel that scream ripping out of my throat that morning, the waves of panic washing over me.

I still want to wake up and have all this be a nightmare. But I know I won’t.

As far as days go…

We’ve passed the three month mark since Mom’s death. The most random things hit me now. I found a bit of money stashed in my office while cleaning, and it reminded me of Mom. I cried. I’m at the point now where I don’t really want to talk about things, I just miss her and I’m sad.

I’m conflicted about one thing that I’ve been feeling lately though. I feel like I loved my mother more than anyone else in my life. I love my husband and couldn’t exist without him. I love and adore my father. But my mother was such an integral part of my life: who I was, who I am, who I will be. She knew me before I was born! That is something that I will never experience with any one else. Even with my own potential children, it won’t be the same for me, since I will be the one with the knowing instead.

I’m still working on my “depression and grief” post, I haven’t forgotten about it. How could I?

I had dinner with Dad tonight, we cooked steaks on the George Foreman grill and had homemade french fries. Dad was worried that he cut up too many potatoes. HAHAHAHA! I had no problem taking care of that! We moved my L-shaped desk back over to Dad’s house and tomorrow we’re moving my old desk over to my house. When we moved into Mom and Dad’s house ’round abouts 2001, I got the new desk (said L-shaped one) and gave my old one to Mom. It all comes back around and I’m going to be all nostalgia-y everytime I sit there. 🙂

And if Punxsutawney Phil is to be trusted, we’ll have an early spring this year!
So, as far as days go, it was pretty good. Mom would have enjoyed it.

New Year, again

New year, same feelings. Not that I expected anything different.

Merry Christmas Everyone

Merry Christmas everyone.

All I really have to say about the season this year is that I’m glad it’s over.

Top 5 Christmas Cat HD Wallpapers 2

Merry Christmas, sort of

OK, so it’s Christmas time. I’ve been trying to ignore it for the most part. I put up my tree, and I did my cards. I’ve gone to church to observe advent every Sunday. We saw the Christmas Pageant at church today. I’ve baked cookies. But it’s not Christmas.

I don’t want to do this any more. Even last night, I asked my husband if this was a mistake and Mom really was gone. I’m so stressed out from work that I’m starting to shut down. I so desperately want to just stay home and stay in bed. But I know that’s part of my depression speaking. I’m taking my Zoloft and Buspar as directed. But I’m barely hanging on.

I’m so tired. I’m really good at faking it, and I have been for a long time. But there’s cracks showing in my facade and they’re getting bigger. I’m tired of the expectations of me exceeding my appointment. I just want to be Jenny, but there’s so much in the way of me being her again. I don’t know how long I can keep doing this.