A new word

Yes, I’m doing it. I’ve just coined the term “twitiocy” for cases of twitter related idiocy. I’ll be in the urban dictionary some day, just you watch.

Lexapro Update

There is a feeling, one that you know if you’ve had and one that you would never miss if you never had it. I’m feeling it now and it’s been a long long time since I’ve dealt with it. That feeling where something is coming and you don’t know what it’s about, but you are one hundred percent sure that it’s because of something you did, even though you absolutely know it’s not.

It sits coiled in my belly, gnawing and eating. It waits, simply enjoying the feelings it’s generating in me. It knows that sleep will not come easily tonight because of it. And it delights in the fact that only time will relieve it’s power over me.

I knew it would be hard, getting off this drug. I knew I would have to deal with feelings that I’ve not had for a while. But really, it’s made all the worse by my knowing, by my being sure, that these feelings aren’t real, that they are because of something wrong with me. But how do I conquer them, without my pills? There has to be a way. What is it?

To be honest, it feels like spiritual oppression. Prayer does alleviate it, but only for a little while, when the cycle must start over. And it’s hard to deal with, having to constantly rely on God, but in the end, isn’t that exactly what we’re supposed to do?

Current dosage: 5mg
Last dosage change: 7 days ago

Listening: Transformers Prime
Mood: Struggling

Such a busy week

Many things have been happening all across the world this week. Busy busy busy times. We’ve got the Olympics and gold medalists being taxed for the gold in their medals. We’ve got the Kristen Stewart/Robert Pattinson break-up. We’ve got the Colorado-shooter MK Ultra conspiracy thing continually unraveling. And don’t forget about Chik Fil A (who has the most delicious peach milkshakes right now!).

I am struck by how little I care about these things right now. I’m on my second step down of Lexapro (currently 5mg), which is making things extremely tough. There were a couple days at work where I spent the whole day on the verge of tears for absolutely no reason. I’m doing mostly OK, but it’s very hard. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s the medication doing these things, not my friends or co-workers or me. Just the drugs. I have to keep telling myself to give it time, that it’s too soon to know if I can do this without the medication. And honestly, it doesn’t help that much.

I had a complete blood test this week. Good results. My cholesterol is better (from my last test in January) and my results are actually normal (imagine that, me: normal). This is probably the healthiest I’ve been in the last 10 years, though I’ve put about ten pounds back on since my surgery in December (I lost 10 pounds over the course of the whole disc herniation debacle). So really, I’m back where I was BEFORE the back problems started. A whole year wasted there, though. As a side note to this paragraph, I had the best phlebotomist since Jennifer at my old doctor’s office. She got the puncture in one shot and no bruising. Fantastic!

The rest of my days have been work and sleep, repeat as needed. It seems like a daily struggle against myself and fighting bad thoughts that have been the reason I’ve been on meds for the last decade. Not quite ready to blog about why getting off them is so important to me right now.

One other interesting thing from the internet that I want to put here for you, to pick up or not as you wish: Reddit has a schocking and open discussion about sexual assault, from the perspective of the assaulter.

Music: Sophie Ellis Bextor – Murder on the Dancefloor
Mood: Struggling with what’s reality and not

SDCC and other current things

With all the cool news I’m finally hearing/seeing from SCDD12, I am totally jelly. I need to go there. Between that and my lack of attendance at Gen-Con, my nerd cred is in danger…

I’m currently watching The Nerdist on BBCA and this one guy just described the test footage from the up-coming Ant Man, and I want to see this now. I’ve never been a fan of Ant Man, much less in the recent The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes. But with the whole running down the gun to beat up the guy, that sounds awesome!

All right. We can now turn to my shame. I have read the 50 Shades trilogy. Sort of. I read the first two as the original Twilight fan fiction they were, the third I read as published (because the fan fic pdf I found was too hard to follow; I wasn’t willing to put that much work into it). Admission made, I have this to say: I’ve read smuttier fanfics elsewhere on the internet. AND!!! Oh, let’s not forget the “and”… I’ve figured out why this is so popular! It feeds the stereotypical woman need to “fix her man.” Let’s just say it’s a stereotype for a reason, shall we? When you have someone that f’d up, sex + marriage + baby doesn’t fix them. Basic psychology there. Mommy-porn indeed…

Last, but very much not least, because I still feel very bad about it… in celebration of Caturday, my kitties got pedicures today and boy did I mess that up. I’ve never cut a nail as short as I did today on my baby girl. Devi was so upset and it wouldn’t stop bleeding! It finally did stop, but I still feel bad! So, as consolation, here’s a picture of my baby girl:

Listening: The Nerdist (Toy special)
Mood: Feeling a little guilty for my cat’s pain

Tickled pink

This just tickled me pink. I was looking to see if any of the search engines had caches of my blog posts (I did get a couple, but that’s not the point). I found this link:

Why are earthquakes hard to predict? on Yahoo Answers.

One of the two references is a paper I wrote in college in 1998. But that means someone read it!

Music: Cherie – Betcha Never
Mood: Amused to the point brink of insanity

Well, that’ll learn me…

Today, I vow to become better at blog backups. Lost the whole thing. Oh well. Most of it was me complaining anyway. Starting over will be better.

Today, I also got my laptop set up as a media server for my PS3, so I’m rocking out right now. Very cool. Once we get the desktop rebuilt and Win7 installed on it, ALL of our music will be available through our network and our stereo will be worth it’s weight in gold finally. Nevermind that it took us this long to get the PS3 running through the stereo receiver.

Music: The Glitch Mob – Beyond Monday
Mood: Not sure if pissed or just tired