Mother’s Day 2013

So this week has been kind of rough. Last Sunday, May 5th, was Mom’s 73rd birthday. Today was hard, being Mother’s Day and all. I have made it through just over six months without her. I still have the same hard questions that I couldn’t answer before when I was able to speak with her. I still don’t have answers. I still have the same fears and horrible thoughts. I still cry. A lot.

I really just wanted to skip the day today. But I had volunteered to read at church (what was I thinking), and so I went. Listening to the sermon was hard, mostly because it wasn’t what I wanted to be hearing because I am still hurting so much from missing her. But it made me think of all the things I can never ask her now. Things like, what did she think the moment she saw me for the first time. Any answer my dad gives me about it will be his memory, not hers. How can I approach motherhood in any way without her guidance? How can I approach my 40s and 50s (where she lost her own mother) without having any more time with her? How can I move past the fact that I am now the age she was when I was born; is my own best life expectancy only 36 more years?

I was just looking at the framed photo I have on my bookcase of my parents. How has it been so long since we spoke? I miss her so much, and today was really much worse than I could have anticipated. How am I even doing this? How am I going on? I’m afraid to even think about it.

2 Thoughts on “Mother’s Day 2013

  1. I believe our parents put a bit of themselves in us. I have a lot of my dad in me, but I have a lot of mom in me, too. She’s there, and she’ll come out in you as you reach these milestones. I wish I could give you more comfort than this, but since I haven’t gone through this, I can only offer friendly support and love. If your managing style has any say, you’ll be an awesome mom that would make your own mother proud. You were always one of my favorite people when I went to work – maybe it’s the only child thing, I dunno.
    Much love to you, lady. You deserve it.

  2. Jan Rybka on May 14, 2013 at 4:23 PM said:

    I do know this about your mother, and that is she always loved you, very very much. You were a continual blessing to her. Your birth, after so many years of trying to get pregnant, was such an incredible blessing to her. And I know that she wants you to be happy, and to have children if you so choose. You were a wonderfully important part of her life.

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